Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Long Over Due

It's been a while since I've made a post to this blog or any of my blogs. Most of the reason why is a long and boring story of minor injuries and illnesses for both me and my horses that have kept me sidelined for over a month. My sleep cycle was terribly upset by the month of illness and now I'm struggling to set it right...with little success lately. It seems most nights that I can't fall asleep until 3:00 or later. The alarm goes off at 3:45 so, needless to say, I usually lie down again around 5 or 6:00 a.m. and sleep until at least 10:30. Also needless to say, I'm not accomplishing much these days.

I really do need to get started on the magazine and hit the ground running again with that project. I've decided not to rush myself with a January publish date and will just set my goal of publishing the first issue in 2010. I want to do as good a job as possible on it and I realize that pushing too hard for early publication will cause the quality to suffer.

Also, on my mind lately....which is the sole purpose of this personal blog....I'm still reminiscing about my childhood days, particularly high school. I made a sad discovery over the weekend, my first crush, my first sweetheart and yes, if I would admit it even to myself, my first love, passed away six years ago. I've shared a lot about all of that and the memories with my close friends and family over the last few days. It was good to talk about him and the past but also depressing in many ways. Even though I hadn't seen him in over 35 years, knowledge of his death hurts me more than I would have thought. Enough about that because I don't intend to share my deepest emotions in such a public forum. I will just say that I always thought that I would see him again and that I would get the answers to some questions that have plagued me for years.

I discovered an alumni website for LHS grads that has been beautifully built and maintained by Doug Presley of the class of 1970. There is an In Memory page and I sadly realized that all of the names of those who've passed on from my class, 1974, were missing; as were several names from other classes. I put up a list on my facebook page where my fellow classmates could add names to the list. I will email the list to Doug when it is finished. It is both overwhelming and depressing to view as that list grows ever longer. I'm so surprised by the number of people that I didn't know had passed as well as by how many of them had such tragic deaths. All died too soon. I told a friend on fb that I guess this is part of the cost of growing older ourselves, losing so many people that either have a hold on our present or our past.

I've been talking with my sister today about how insecure I was as a girl. That is a very painful subject but I won't go into it here either, as much for the reader's protection as my own. Who wants to listen to someone else whine about their childhoods? I do know that I never felt like I was as good as everyone else. I think that both my father's cruel judgement and my mother's own insecurities fed these feelings. It was years later when I was seeing a therapist because of the insomnia and phobias that had suddenly developed after my father's death that I got a better perspective on who I am or at least how other people perceive me. I'd commented to the therapist that my husband and I had been in the mountains biking the day before and we'd encountered a couple that made me feel very insecure because they were what I labeled, "beautiful people." The therapist asked me what I meant by that term and I explained that these were people who obviously had it all together, they just looked fit and successful and perfect. The therapist began to laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at and then I realized what it was. I asked her, "You're not implying that I'm a 'beautiful person'?" She smiled and said, "You would be really surprised by how many people see you and your life that way." I guess she was tired of my whining, too, but it is so hard to overcome those stigmas of youth whether someone else gave them to us or we applied them upon ourselves. Maybe, finally now, as old age is creeping in and I realize that over half of my life is behind me, I can begin to have a healthier view of my self. Maybe I will start seeing and believing other people's perception of me instead of the one instilled in me over forty years ago. We will see. Life's not over yet:)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Missing my Mousie sooo much. Someone commented on an old photo from last year that I'd posted on redbubble.com. Made me think of her and how no other horse, no matter how much I love them or how sweet they are, can compare with my Mousie. Everyone who meets her loves her. Is it surprising that both Huston and I love her so much. Don't know when we'll get back to Missouri to pick her up. I know Huston is enjoying having her there and I know he will miss her as soon as I bring her home with me. It's a difficult situation all the way around. 
Now, I have to stop avoiding the inevitable and go clean the kitchen....have I mentioned how much I hate house work?
Why does this format-background make me think of poodles??....poodles, puddles, polka dots? I think I love them all:)
I'm so far behind. I feel very much like Rip VanWinkle having slept through most of July. And here it is August, Summer is almost over, the kids go back to school next week, and I'm feeling both excited and lost. I have great plans, wonderful ideas but I'm sorely lacking motivation at the moment. Seems that I still just want to sleep. It doesn't help that my sleep cycle seems to have flipped. I can't sleep before 2 or 3 a.m. and then my alarm goes off at 3:45 a.m.! Needless to say, I lie back down as soon as Steve is out the door, and sometimes before, and attempt to get a few more hours of shut eye. The problem there is that I can't get back to sleep easily once I'm awake so sleep doesn't come usually until nearly 8:00 a.m. which means my day doesn't start until nearly noon most days. Aaargh!! Frustration.