I really do need to get started on the magazine and hit the ground running again with that project. I've decided not to rush myself with a January publish date and will just set my goal of publishing the first issue in 2010. I want to do as good a job as possible on it and I realize that pushing too hard for early publication will cause the quality to suffer.
Also, on my mind lately....which is the sole purpose of this personal blog....I'm still reminiscing about my childhood days, particularly high school. I made a sad discovery over the weekend, my first crush, my first sweetheart and yes, if I would admit it even to myself, my first love, passed away six years ago. I've shared a lot about all of that and the memories with my close friends and family over the last few days. It was good to talk about him and the past but also depressing in many ways. Even though I hadn't seen him in over 35 years, knowledge of his death hurts me more than I would have thought. Enough about that because I don't intend to share my deepest emotions in such a public forum. I will just say that I always thought that I would see him again and that I would get the answers to some questions that have plagued me for years.
I discovered an alumni website for LHS grads that has been beautifully built and maintained by Doug Presley of the class of 1970. There is an In Memory page and I sadly realized that all of the names of those who've passed on from my class, 1974, were missing; as were several names from other classes. I put up a list on my facebook page where my fellow classmates could add names to the list. I will email the list to Doug when it is finished. It is both overwhelming and depressing to view as that list grows ever longer. I'm so surprised by the number of people that I didn't know had passed as well as by how many of them had such tragic deaths. All died too soon. I told a friend on fb that I guess this is part of the cost of growing older ourselves, losing so many people that either have a hold on our present or our past.
I've been talking with my sister today about how insecure I was as a girl. That is a very painful subject but I won't go into it here either, as much for the reader's protection as my own. Who wants to listen to someone else whine about their childhoods? I do know that I never felt like I was as good as everyone else. I think that both my father's cruel judgement and my mother's own insecurities fed these feelings. It was years later when I was seeing a therapist because of the insomnia and phobias that had suddenly developed after my father's death that I got a better perspective on who I am or at least how other people perceive me. I'd commented to the therapist that my husband and I had been in the mountains biking the day before and we'd encountered a couple that made me feel very insecure because they were what I labeled, "beautiful people." The therapist asked me what I meant by that term and I explained that these were people who obviously had it all together, they just looked fit and successful and perfect. The therapist began to laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at and then I realized what it was. I asked her, "You're not implying that I'm a 'beautiful person'?" She smiled and said, "You would be really surprised by how many people see you and your life that way." I guess she was tired of my whining, too, but it is so hard to overcome those stigmas of youth whether someone else gave them to us or we applied them upon ourselves. Maybe, finally now, as old age is creeping in and I realize that over half of my life is behind me, I can begin to have a healthier view of my self. Maybe I will start seeing and believing other people's perception of me instead of the one instilled in me over forty years ago. We will see. Life's not over yet:)