Monday, August 15, 2011

Day 15

I had a major stumble yesterday. After a long exhausting day for both Steve and I, neither of us felt like going to the grocery store or cooking the food for the week. Since the cupboard was bare, we opted to eat out with probably one of the worst possible choices, pizza. I won't say it wasn't good but I did discover two things: one, high carb and high fat aren't highly satisfying since I was still hungry after eating half of a small (10inch) pie and two, for the first time in two weeks, I craved more high carb and high fat. I hate to have such a large slip up after just two weeks on the program but again, I need to chalk it up to a lesson learned since I did actually gain some knowledge about myself and my body.

Speaking of knowledge of self, I had the oddest dream this morning and I wonder what it says about me. I was at the interstate exit in the next town, Lenoir City. The stoplight there is on the opposite side of the bridge and if you are crossing traffic to the other side of the road, you have to watch the lights on both side so that you can beat the traffic. I'd crossed the road and was ready to merge into the opposite lane with no oncoming traffic in either directions when this crowd of people showed up blocking my way and talking about what a bother I was as if I were hindering them. It seemed terribly important for me to get to the other side of the bridge so I found myself on foot trying to cross. Suddenly the side railing of the bridge disappeared and I felt as if I was being pulled toward the sides and the drop off. I felt dizzy and paralyzed with fear. I fell to my knees, unable to keep my balance and I was trying to crawl, knowing that I'd be Ok if I could just reach the other side but I also knew that the traffic was soon to be released behind me and I was making little progress, just inching along while the end of the bridge seemed to be getting farther and farther away. I think I know what the dream means. I did google dream interpretation and it said a bridge symbolized that I knew my life was getting ready to change for the better if I'd just cross over the bridge and make the necessary changes in my life. The paralyzing fear however was all of the stuff that's holding me back from making that change. I do have several opportunities presenting themselves at the moment but the window is small and I've been dragging my feet getting started. This isn't the first time this has happened. I've always wondered if I sabotage myself because I don't think I deserve happiness. It's time that stopped. I think, in order to succeed not only at this diet and fitness lifestyle change but also at my new goals in life, I need to actually stop living in the here and now and instant gratification and start looking toward the future and my long term goals and how I might achieve them. If I can break and leave the chains of the past behind as well, I'll have it made in the shade. I have to keep in mind that if I succeed at all the goals I've set for myself that this time next year, I could actually be living the life I imagine.

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