Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Day 24

That night time demon insomnia has returned. I was up until nearly 2:00 this morning and my alarm goes off a little before 4:00. I did try going back to bed after Steve left for work but then I got up and ate! I dozed for about 45 minutes before the phone woke me and then I ate again. I'm not even going to tell you what I ate but it was not good.....Ok....aaah, this makes me so sad and a bit angry at myself but I resorted to my usual low energy, quick fix but quick to revert to an energy drop solution...sugar and fat :( .....First I had a peanut butter and dried cranberry sandwich on whole grain bread. At least that choice was somewhat healthy if high in fat and sugar. Second "breakfast" was whole grain blueberry pancakes with too much butter substitute and too much syrup even if it was sugar free. Well, at least it was whole grain. This was all before I got a morning energy and spirit boost from my pals in the RTN group, Over Fifty and Still Reshaping. These strangers are fast becoming my good friends and they all know exactly what to say. In many ways, I think they are really more supportive in my diet and life style changes than my family and friends. I've shared a lot with them including how down and depressed I've been over the past week and most of the reasons why. Being down has also led to me disappointing myself by indulging like I did this morning thinking that somehow, the food would make me feel better. Well, it actually does but only for a moment. Then the moment of contentment and well being passes and I not only feel emotional down but physically ill as well. All, I can hope is that I've learned a valuable lesson over the past week that will eventually change my life. I'm going to do something a bit different today not only because I've got an appointment in two hours and the horses aren't fed, the breakfast dishes aren't washed, the laundry isn't started and I am not dressed and ready to head out the door but because I want to share with everyone just what a great group those Over 50 and Still Reshaping folks are. I adore them and I can show you how supportive they've been as well as share a bit of what's been bothering me for the last five days or so by pasting a few of this morning's posts from the group here:

  • GrayHorse
    GrayHorse Sorry that I've been so silent for the past week. I have been checking in and reading all of your inspirational posts every day. Hope everyone has a good Wednesday as I try to get back on track. I've had a few days of feeling defeated not just with my diet but many aspects of my life. I've given in to feelings of self doubt but it's just been a temporary lapse. I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow and stocking up on healthy food again. A few stressful days and I fell back into old habits but I have learned a lot, too. It's too late to go into it all now but there was an incident that I didn't put into my blog because it involved my professional life and comments from others in the same field of work. Instead of leaving me feeling defeated, I decided to stand up for myself for the first time in my life. I've finally decided that I can't please everyone even though I've tried for 55 years. I may be getting a late start but it is time that I pleased myself. I'm taking care of myself and my needs, my dreams and I'm not letting anyone else with their own selfish agenda tell me that I can't!
    August 24, 2011 at 1:06am Delete
    • You are one strong woman Grayhorse, you can do it! Canadian, I love the coconut reference (maybe we will all be bananas one day...oh what, that means crazy :-).
      August 24, 2011 at 10:48am
    • karolynmarie
      karolynmarie I believe one of the tougher things in life, is learning how to deal wth negative, i.e. selfish, people! You are dealing with them Grayhorse! What a leap towards gaining your goal(s)! :-)
      August 24, 2011 at 11:00am
      • Username
        GrayHorse You all will never know how much your support means to me. I think intimidation is just the adult form of bullying. For most of my life, I've let people manipulate me into doing not what is best for me but what is best for them. Then I watched them either leave me sitting in their dust as they sped ahead or else sitting there with them while they continued to whine and complain about what life had done to them and holding me back at the same time. Oddly, I never felt sorry for myself. I think part of that was not feeling that I deserved success and when it came to me unsolicited, between my own low self esteem and friends telling me that I was selling out, I sabotaged my good fortune. This time around, I think I've gained enough self awareness that I recognize manipulation and intimidation when it's happening to me. I have another business opportunity and I asked the wrong peoples' advice. They once again told me that I was selling out and devaluing my work and theirs. Well, I don't see it that way and this time, I'm doing what's best for me and only listening to people who give me positive all of you wonderful coconuts, lol.....thanks for that image, Canadian and imhistory, the banana reference does very much apply to me. I've alway been a bit quirky and cuckoo ;-)

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