Sunday, September 25, 2011

Day??;-)

Ok, I have no idea what day I'm on and if I'm totally honest, I've monitored my diet for fewer days over the past few weeks than I've not. But, tomorrow morning, I'm seeing my doctor. Even though I'm feeling better now, I'm telling him about these last three weeks and how I've felt as well as about some nagging issues that have bothered me for a while. I'm sure that many of the problems I've had lately are related to my hormone levels and menopause. I was a bit upset when I heard Roseanne Barr talking on the Sunday Morning program today about how she was finally past her menopausal symptoms and the interviewer asked her how long it had lasted and her answer...ten years! I had no idea but according to her, that's the norm. Egads!
I have made a lot of progress over the past few days and I'm once again enthusiastic about not only the future but each new day. I've set up my lap top in the kitchen where I can more easily use the nutrition and exercise software, Diet King, that is installed on it. I'm not procrastinating but rather I've been preparing. I'll be ready to start monitoring my diet and exercise through the software as well as using this blog as a kind of diary of each day and my progress...which I'm sure I will have. It's nice to feel confident again.
I had something happen yesterday which didn't really hurt my feelings but it did open my eyes a bit. We were at a charity chile supper and auction to benefit an ill friend. One of my friends who was there with me and who is prone to interruptions and finishing your thoughts (usually incorrectly) and words before you do, commented on a very young woman who was quite over weight. Both of my female friends, who were sitting on either side of me, are extremely thin and always have been although one of them constantly thinks she is over weight. And also despite the fact that they both seem to eat sweets and junk food constantly and neither ever gains an ounce while I try to eat low fat, high fiber, healthy food and can gain weight if I just smell something fattening...and good! So, the two of them are discussing this young woman. I started realizing just how they see me. Even though I feel guilty over it now because it was almost like a betrayal of this young woman that I didn't know but felt a kinship to because of our shared obesity, I start defending myself. I say that I have no room to talk now and when they both just kind of look at me I say but I haven't always been overweight, I use to be quite slim. The one friend says, "Really?" and it was almost like she didn't believe me. So what do I do but get more defensive. I say that I didn't start putting on weight until like ten years prior and I knew exactly why. And then before I could tell her why, she pipes up, "Because you've had three or four children. That's why you're SO fat!" Well, I had to tell her that no, I never had any children and then I finally did explain about how I use to work out, walk, and ride my bike daily and now, I mainly sit either in front of my art work or in front of this computer. But the entire time I was explaining that, I was thinking, "Despite what the scale says and what the label in my clothes says, I've never really seen myself as really over weight; most of the time, I still see myself in my mind's eye as trim and athletic. I suddenly saw myself as they see me....as "so fat." That is eye opening and it didn't help when the friend to my right's husband started talking about his last trip to the doctor and how much weight he's gained. He was just so upset because he now weighs more than he's ever weighed in his life, twenty-five more pounds than his heaviest....and still, 12 pounds less than me.
This doesn't make me happy. No, my feelings weren't hurt by one friend's bluntness or the other's revelation but it does make me sad. Suddenly, I see myself as others see me and I'm shocked. Maybe though, this will be the motivation that I need to finally take that first step that I have been putting off for weeks. I had a false start two months ago but I plan to do it right this time. I will monitor and keep my diary/blog and schedule exercise and meals no matter how hectic my days are. I'm starting it right tomorrow not out of procrastination but because I'm going to see my doctor first thing in the morning and I'm sure that he will ease my mind about how much exercise I can safely do and just where I need to set my fitness and weight loss goals. This past week has taken its toll on me emotionally, I have several friends who are very ill and not improving, one where I just discovered the severity of their illness and one who passed away. And what Steve and I both keep telling ourselves is it isn't the number of our days (although we would like them to be many) but the quality. It's time that both of us take the first steps toward increasing the quality of our lives through fitness and health....and if, by this time next year, I can fit into some cuter and more stylish clothes, so much the better:)

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