Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I've been neglecting this blog and a whole lot of other things in my life but there is just so much to do and not enough time. I was so lethargic for so long and as a result I'm behind the eight ball in almost every aspect of my life. I need to get back in my studio/workshop but I'm still working on redoing the workshop and this office/studio space first. The workshop hasn't been used in nearly six years and Steve has been using it for storage. So, we're talking a major mess. Then there is the upstairs part of the house where we live. I've spoken of this mess before. We started remodeling ten years ago and then stopped cold when Steve's dad became ill and died. If you think the workshop is a mess after six years of neglect and abandonment, try ten years of virtually camping out in our own home. My "new" stove is still sitting in the box in the garage. The "new" frig is the one that broke a month ago so it is just sitting. I told Steve this morning that when and if we finally do get back to work on the house and finish it and my kitchen, I'll have to learn how to cook all over again. Don't get me wrong, I do cook but my appliances consist of a portable grill, a crock pot, a microwave and a toaster oven. I have various other small appliances that I use to some degree or other but those four are my mainstays and my life savers.

Even working with the horses, another task I've fallen behind on, is made difficult by the mess in the house because everything is in boxes and baskets and pretty disorganized including the horse supplies and tack. In fact, just when I was ready to start riding again....we moved the round pen this past weekend so that I can ride solo since it is the rarest of rare occasions when Steve is home and available to ride with me. I started cleaning and sorting through the boxes on Monday, gathering my tack only to discover that a gallon water jug, on the shelf above where most of it had been stored, had sprung a leak and wet my leather tack which is now covered in mold! That is my first task for today, clean the tack. I have been enjoying doing some ground work with the boys since we moved the round pen. It's not only helping me with my horsemanship and bond with my horses but it's also providing some enjoyable exercise. Although, I must admit that some horsemanship more closely resembles yoga than aerobic exercise. Such was my time spent in the round pen with my horse Riley yesterday where I learned a lot about him and even more about myself. If you'd like to read the story, it's posted on another blog of mine that you can find HERE.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Zippity Doo Dah!

My, oh my, what a wonderful day!!!!............Not that yesterday started off at all good. In fact, I woke up with an upset stomach, pain and raging diarrhea....I know, I know, too much information. I was feeling so bad that I didn't know if I could make my 1:15 appointment with my doctor that afternoon. I managed to rally before time to leave but I was still very uncomfortable as I sat in the waiting room at my doctor's office. The nurse called me back to the exam area and started taking my vitals. My doctor has been telling me for over a year that I need to lose weight and start exercising in order to lower my blood pressure and to avoid the need for medication. I have tried and I've failed and I've succeeded and I've backslid and I've tried again. Lately, I had been feeling so badly that I wasn't trying at all. There had been a dramatic change however because after my last visit to the doc, two weeks ago, I discovered I was anemic. So, I started taking a daily multi vitamin and an iron supplement. Within a few days, I was feeling better than I'd felt in months or maybe even years! I not only started walking every day, I actually enjoyed it and looked forward to it. It's been a long time since I actually looked forward to any physical activity because I was both so low on energy and it caused me discomfort. Suddenly though, I felt at least twenty years younger!
You wouldn't have thought that two weeks would be long enough to see significant results but when the nurse took my blood pressure, I asked her what it was since my doctor had commented at my last visit that it was extremely high but he hadn't told me what it was. She said, "It's 124 over 82." I think because I expected bad news, I said, "That's still too high, isn't it?" To my shock, she answered, "No, honey. That is as close to perfect as you can get."........Wow! It has been years and years maybe even decades since I've heard the word perfect associated with my blood pressure reading!!
When my doctor came in and was going over the results of the deluge of tests that he'd run on me, I asked if he wasn't happy with my blood pressure reading. He pulled today's vitals up on the computer screen and I swear, his eyes widened in surprise. He said that my last reading, two short weeks ago, had been 174/124!!! We both were amazed at the dramatic change and he added that I'd lost 8 pounds. He attributed the drop in blood pressure to the weight loss but since I lost significantly more last year but didn't lower my blood pressure any where near that much, I think that both the good blood pressure reading and the weight loss are because I'm moving again.......and loving it!!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Good News

Much good news, my ct scan results came back clear, I have more energy and enthusiasm every day and I've been losing a pound every day without even trying. I go to see the doc again tomorrow and I'm going to run my theory by him about the malfunctioning frig and food poisoning being the culprits which kept me sick for over two months. I'm not certain why I'm losing weight because my diet lately has not been great but I am far more active than I've been in several months so perhaps that's the cause. I'm hoping that when I really start exercising beyond just working with the horses and my daily walks, that I can really kick my metabolism up into high gear. Being several sizes smaller and having loads of energy and vitality would be a wonderful Christmas gift to myself.

The bad news is, my husband injured himself. He slipped and fell and landed on a large jack. He thought he'd broken a few ribs but the doctor who examined him on Friday told him no that it was either just a crack or a deep bruise. That is good news in a way but the doctor did not x-ray so my husband is being extremely cautious because he's afraid that if it is cracked, he might break it. That in a way is bad news for me since he is home most days because of the injury and trying to get caught up on work he's let go around  our house and farm. That sounds like good news for me, doesn't it? Well, he's afraid of doing certain tasks so I'm getting nothing done on my chores and goals because I'm helping him all day long. Ahhh, c'est la vie ;-D

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I'm copying this exactly from my own post on another site, " My favorite art teacher once told me not to under value my work. She said that people would consider my art to be as valuable as I considered it to be whether that value was high or low. I have to admit that I've struggled with that concept my entire life and not just with my art but with myself. I've allowed some people, who usually have their own agenda whether it is with me or my work and that agenda is usually control which some people thrive on, to have too much influence on what I think of myself as well as my art. I think we all do that and it's time it stopped! Confidence is sexy, it is probably the most appealing characteristic we can have. Confidence isn't vanity, it is simply believing in yourself and your abilities or capabilities. Loving yourself is not selfish but actually selfless because the more you love yourself, the more you can love others and show that love to others. So, lets start facing our lives, each day with confidence. We can do anything that we think we can but we'll never do anything that we convince ourselves that we can't." Quoting myself, how's that for confidence? Seriously, I've seen the affect that my confidence has on others....or my lack of confidence. I have terrible stage fright, despise public speaking and I just hate any large crowd even parties. You'd think I would feel safer in a crowd where I can hide but instead I usually feel more isolated and oddly more on display. And for some reason that I've never fathomed, I end up panicking, talking and laughing louder and bringing attention to myself. If I were going to analyze this, I'd say it was because I was the youngest of four children in a family where everyone always talked over the other and meals or any gathering were always, in a way wonderfully, boisterous. That is how I behave when I'm insecure and although being the loudest person at the party does get me attention, it is not the kind that I want and it tends to push people away. At my best though, when I enter a gathering with confidence, I'm calm, gracious, involved in conversations, interested in what the other person has to say and not just how I'm going to react to or answer what they have to say, and people seem to radiate toward me. Confidence makes you attractive and when you think of the meaning of the word, it means pulling people or objects to you. People want to be near a confident person. Quoting myself once again, confidence is sexy. We should consider when we go out in public, pulling on our confidence like a warm, comforting sweater because it is our best accessory. 

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Easy Way Out

Last night I faced a problem that I often have lately, Steve gets home late, there is nothing to cook or heat up, neither of us had time to run to the grocery and restock the frig and pantry, I'm tired, he's tired, and we make the worst choice ever and opt for pizza. We do choose healthy ingredients for the most part with pineapple, spinach, onions and peppers but then we add ham and bacon and call it breakfast for tomorrow. We didn't get to the grocery store and we are out of bread, and the new frig broke and ruined most of our food that I wasn't able to cram into the old one (This thankfully isn't a weekly occurrence but I'm so thankful that I kept the old frig around because even though cosmetically, it is a mess, it still works better than the new, expensive one....which isn't working at all at the moment.) I have plenty of excuses but one of the major ones, I just love pizza. Still, I realize that much of my over eating is caused by bad planning. Although our ever changing schedule often prevents me from planning meals a week in advance as most plans suggest, I'm still smart enough to gather enough easy, quick and nutritious emergency food to get us through. I've always REALY resented those super skinnies who think I must be fat because I'm lazy which I'm not but in this one circumstance, they may be right. I've become such a hermit that I dread going out in public. Silly as it sounds, I always think that people are judging me on my appearance. This might be because I judge myself so harshly but I tend to turn tasks like grocery shopping over to my husband. When he's very busy, like he's been for the past few months, the shopping doesn't get done and I end up saying, "Why don't we just order the three-fer pizza deal? We can have it for dinner and then breakfast and lunch! .....Yeah, that's a solution.

This week's goal: get myself to the grocery store!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Still Waiting

I'm still waiting for the results on the CT scan that I had done last Monday. I have gotten the results of the blood tests and I was told that everything, including tests for sugar levels and diabetes, were normal which makes me breath easier. Actually, what makes me breath easier is that the one thing that was wrong was extreme anemia. Why am I happy to actually be sick? Because the symptoms of extreme anemia, which I've been plagued with so many times in my life that I think the problem could now be classified as chronic, mirror many more serious ailments like heart disease and cancer. I was constantly exhausted, frequently depressed, my chest hurt and it was hard to breath when I walked up even a slight grade. Although the doc wants to see me next week for a follow up, I've already started taking vitamins and iron supplements AND I already feel better. Now, I'm hoping that the CT scan shows something which will be just as easily corrected with my digestive track. I've not wanted to talk about my problems because they are embarrassing but with in about fifteen or twenty minutes of eating anything, I feel nauseated, I get a distinct and very localized pain in my right side and (to put it as delicately as possible) the food goes straight through me. I can't understand why I can't lose weight except that I keep acerbating the problem by feeding the stomach pain which only makes it worse and I've reverted back to the old comfort standbys which are usually high in fat and low in fiber. My body is a fat vampire, it probably sucks out every bit of fat before quickly discarding the rest of the food so I remain plump as a Thanksgiving turkey.

I've been told that they are having problems with their computer systems and I should hear the results of my tests by Tuesday at the latest. I certainly hope so; trite as it sounds, I'm tired of being tired and feeling sick and hurting all of the time. I have no patience with myself and the fact that I've accomplished little over the last few months is really driving me bananas. Money is getting tight and I still haven't launched my new shops or even completed the first piece for them. I'm still working on the house...kind of.....actually, I'm doing well to half way keep up with the chores like laundry, dishes and cooking that have to be done each day. I need to be working with Danny before he heads to Missouri and even though that would only mean about thirty minutes a day, I never seem to have the time. Tell me how I can never have time for anything but still never seem to accomplish anything? Also, I've started taking naps in the afternoon out of sheer exhaustion. I've never been an afternoon napper. I don't like the way I feel groggy afterwards because I never wake up feeling refreshed like so many friends say they do. So, for me to basically just pass out after a small amount of exertion is not at all normal.

So, after all of that whining, I do admit that the vitamins are helping and hopefully each day, I will feel better and better. I don't want to be sick but I'm hoping for some curable cause for the digestive track problems. I need to start exercising again. I truly feel that is the key to weight loss at my age and I know it would make me feel better and give me more energy. I want to start working again; we have far too many bills to be a one pay check home. I want to start working with Danny. His departure time is fast approaching and I need to be spending every possible moment with him that I can before he leaves for months and months away. I also need to get our finances back in hand and today I realized something. I've been talking for months now about living the life I imagine. I realized this morning that I've been spending money that I didn't have and didn't need to be spending because I was trying to buy the lifestyle that I want. I've bought furniture for a house that isn't anywhere near being finished and is just been "clogged" up even more with all of the furniture purchases! I've been shopping for clothes and exercise shoes that I don't use just because I want to start working out again. I buy supplies for my work but I'm not creating art and it sits and gathers dust and often ruins. It's time I force myself to start living life again and not just dreaming about it! I watched the movie Buck last night and of course, because it is about a horseman, I found it very inspirational. I think though that this fellow has over come so much in his life and in such a profound and thoughtful way that he'd be an inspiration to anyone. One thing he said which struck home, (I'm paraphrasing so don't try to find this exact phrase in the movie) you can't just be a dreamer, you have to be a doer. I need to start "doing."