Sunday, October 9, 2011

Still Waiting

I'm still waiting for the results on the CT scan that I had done last Monday. I have gotten the results of the blood tests and I was told that everything, including tests for sugar levels and diabetes, were normal which makes me breath easier. Actually, what makes me breath easier is that the one thing that was wrong was extreme anemia. Why am I happy to actually be sick? Because the symptoms of extreme anemia, which I've been plagued with so many times in my life that I think the problem could now be classified as chronic, mirror many more serious ailments like heart disease and cancer. I was constantly exhausted, frequently depressed, my chest hurt and it was hard to breath when I walked up even a slight grade. Although the doc wants to see me next week for a follow up, I've already started taking vitamins and iron supplements AND I already feel better. Now, I'm hoping that the CT scan shows something which will be just as easily corrected with my digestive track. I've not wanted to talk about my problems because they are embarrassing but with in about fifteen or twenty minutes of eating anything, I feel nauseated, I get a distinct and very localized pain in my right side and (to put it as delicately as possible) the food goes straight through me. I can't understand why I can't lose weight except that I keep acerbating the problem by feeding the stomach pain which only makes it worse and I've reverted back to the old comfort standbys which are usually high in fat and low in fiber. My body is a fat vampire, it probably sucks out every bit of fat before quickly discarding the rest of the food so I remain plump as a Thanksgiving turkey.

I've been told that they are having problems with their computer systems and I should hear the results of my tests by Tuesday at the latest. I certainly hope so; trite as it sounds, I'm tired of being tired and feeling sick and hurting all of the time. I have no patience with myself and the fact that I've accomplished little over the last few months is really driving me bananas. Money is getting tight and I still haven't launched my new shops or even completed the first piece for them. I'm still working on the house...kind of.....actually, I'm doing well to half way keep up with the chores like laundry, dishes and cooking that have to be done each day. I need to be working with Danny before he heads to Missouri and even though that would only mean about thirty minutes a day, I never seem to have the time. Tell me how I can never have time for anything but still never seem to accomplish anything? Also, I've started taking naps in the afternoon out of sheer exhaustion. I've never been an afternoon napper. I don't like the way I feel groggy afterwards because I never wake up feeling refreshed like so many friends say they do. So, for me to basically just pass out after a small amount of exertion is not at all normal.

So, after all of that whining, I do admit that the vitamins are helping and hopefully each day, I will feel better and better. I don't want to be sick but I'm hoping for some curable cause for the digestive track problems. I need to start exercising again. I truly feel that is the key to weight loss at my age and I know it would make me feel better and give me more energy. I want to start working again; we have far too many bills to be a one pay check home. I want to start working with Danny. His departure time is fast approaching and I need to be spending every possible moment with him that I can before he leaves for months and months away. I also need to get our finances back in hand and today I realized something. I've been talking for months now about living the life I imagine. I realized this morning that I've been spending money that I didn't have and didn't need to be spending because I was trying to buy the lifestyle that I want. I've bought furniture for a house that isn't anywhere near being finished and is just been "clogged" up even more with all of the furniture purchases! I've been shopping for clothes and exercise shoes that I don't use just because I want to start working out again. I buy supplies for my work but I'm not creating art and it sits and gathers dust and often ruins. It's time I force myself to start living life again and not just dreaming about it! I watched the movie Buck last night and of course, because it is about a horseman, I found it very inspirational. I think though that this fellow has over come so much in his life and in such a profound and thoughtful way that he'd be an inspiration to anyone. One thing he said which struck home, (I'm paraphrasing so don't try to find this exact phrase in the movie) you can't just be a dreamer, you have to be a doer. I need to start "doing."

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