Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Lacking enthusiasm and determination; carelessly lazy.
Synonyms:listless - apathetic - languid - apathetical

sn't that such a fun word to mean such an awful thing? As an
adjective, it has certainly been a great describer of me lately. My life has lacked luster. I can't seem to motivate myself to even start
my regular daily tasks until around noon each day. I've lost my
motivation and it seems my direction as I wander listlessly through
my life.

The DHC today was to think before you reach for an empty calorie
junk food snack and consider if you're actually hungry or just eating to fill an emotional void. That struck home for me, too. I've
been eating poorly lately, I've stopped keeping my food diary because I'm ashamed to admit all of the junk that I'm putting into
my body. This isn't new for me. It's something that I have to continually work on. I am definitely a stress eater. That worry monster begs to be fed and I'm usually quick to oblige but I have begun to ask myself if I'm really hungry and if I am, is there a healthier choice to the chocolate kisses, brownies or cheese coated tortilla chips that I usually reach for automatically. At least, those are the limits these days. My junk food menu use to be far more extensive but the Celiacs disease has drastically limited my junk food choices. So many of the things, both good and bad, that I once ate on a regular basis are now off limits because they either contain gluten or the gluten free alternative doesn't even come close to tasting like real food much less satisfying my hunger whether it's physical or emotional.  Still, those King Arthur gluten free brownies are the absolute best packaged mix I've ever tried. I made some for desert a few nights ago and I did show some restraint in that I ate just one at a time instead of gobbling up the entire pan before they even cooled.

Today, in response to my posting about my struggles with emotional eating, a DHC friend named Carol D. offered the very good suggestion that I not just keep a food diary but an emotions diary which describes just what I'm feeling when I reach for something sugary or salty. I think that's an excellent idea. Just this morning, I was wondering why I've been feeling so: 


Lacking enthusiasm and determination; carelessly lazy.
Synonyms:listless - apathetic - languid - apathetical 
Writing down exactly how I'm feeling especially when I'm blue might just be the key to solving this mystery and getting me back on track, making progress and accomplishing something every day which was my goal on January 1st of this year. Now, 2012 is half over and I still feel like I'm chipping away at a mountain trying to carve a cup to hold my life and joy. This morning, when I was wondering, where my enthusiasm has gone, I thought, "I'm scared." At first, I was wondering what exactly I'm scared of but I think I know, I think I'm scared of change. I desperately want change in my life. My ideal life would be me working on my art every day, riding my horses every day, working out and being slim and fit and energetic and living in a house that instead of being a piled up, falling apart mess, is finished, polished and guest ready so that I can entertain our friends again. I really want that life and I believe it is attainable. After all, it is a life I've lived before and all are realistic goals. So, why do I retreat every time I start moving forward toward those goals? Why am I so scared of change? I'm hoping that I can answer that question soon so that I can get on with my life and my dreams.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Note to Future Self...

Today's DHC challenge:

Write a note from your future self to your current self, and describe what you've accomplished.
How to do it
Take a few moments to write yourself a quick note or email as if you-of-five-years-from-now were writing to you-of-today. Tell yourself about all of your accomplishments. Do you play a new instrument or have a special skill? Work a different job? Live in a new place?
Why it matters
Research has shown that positive thinking leads to positive results, and that just thinking about success can make success happen! It's easy to think something is out of reach, but telling yourself you've already succeeded at something makes it feel real before you begin. Positive thinking has shown to increase a person's life span, give people better coping skills in times of stress, and even give them more resistance to the common cold.
Okay, I don't know if this is the best challenge for me because it just reinforces my terrible habit of over planning. I have goals, I make plans that are probably impossible to achieve (at least at this age when I not only seem to be moving slower but also have a difficult time concentrating on the task at hand), and then I feel discouraged and like a failure when I don't accomplish what I expect myself to. This is especially true when I look at my past self, over the last few years, and realize how few of my dreams and goals I've actually accomplished and tasks that I thought would take a few months that I'm still working on. I have to admit that I might be being a bit hard on myself considering that I was having a few health problems during those two years that are now resolved and I am at least making some progress now just not as quickly as I want to. 

So, I guess I need to be more patient with my current self and say to my future self, "I'm proud of all that you've accomplished in the past year both personally and with your career. It was a great idea to start working on your art again and you've really made a lot of progress on your home. Your riding and your confidence in the saddle have improved immensely and your colt, Danny, is really coming along in his training. And, I must say darling, you look marvelous doing all of that! You've lost so much weight and you're fit and in such great health. I think all of that added energy is what's helped you to accomplish so much in all of the areas of your life. And good for you at becoming more active socially as well. It's wonderful that you make time to share time with your friends and cultivate those friendships. The fact that your home is now "guest worthy" once again is great; all of that effort and elbow grease have really paid off. You are truly following your friend's advice and living the life you imagine and life is good." 
Now, I have this in print on my blog so a year from now (I'll make a note in my calendar and hope that I remember it better than the Chris Isaak concert on PBS last night that was half over before Steve chanced upon it and asked, "Didn't you want to see this?"), I can see if I stuck to my guns and accomplished my goals. The daily affirmations are helping but after getting off to such a good start, I've suffered through a week of terrible insomnia and I'm just now getting back on track. I did say, I'm gong to be more patient with myself and more supportive...no more negative thoughts! So, I'll just say that I made lots of progress yesterday and I'm that much closer to accomplishing my current goal, the next step toward my dream life: I'm cleaning out closets and drawers, packing away things we aren't currently using, making a box for give aways and one for possible eBay merchandise and I'm getting closer to moving our bedroom to the guest room so that I can turn our bedroom into a temporary studio/exercise room. I long term dream is that, by this time next year, I'll at least be close to making a bright, clean room in the basement for exercise and transforming the garage into a bonus room that can be a family room if we ever sell the house and a studio for me for as long as we live here. Those changes will take money though which I currently don't have so changing our large master bedroom into a studio seems a very good solution for the moment and hopefully will get me moving forward again with my art. So, I'm very pleased with myself for what I accomplished yesterday and I hope that I get much more done today!

I need to be proud of myself for every little accomplishment. I think those daily positive affirmations I've been saying are really helping because they've made me realize that all of the discouraging, negative thoughts that I don't even realize that I have are a major roadblock to me moving ahead and achieving my goals. It's hard to succeed when you think you're bound for failure before you even start. I was nostalgic yesterday and missing my mom and other loved ones I've lost and I thought, "I miss the old me, too." I suddenly realized that the old me is still here. She's just been covered up by all of the junk, both physical and emotional, that I've piled on top of her for the last fifteen years or so. I've just got to keep digging until I uncover her.