Tuesday, June 19, 2012


lack·a·dai·si·cal/ˌlakəˈdāzikəl/

Adjective:
Lacking enthusiasm and determination; carelessly lazy.
Synonyms:listless - apathetic - languid - apathetical

I
sn't that such a fun word to mean such an awful thing? As an
adjective, it has certainly been a great describer of me lately. My life has lacked luster. I can't seem to motivate myself to even start
my regular daily tasks until around noon each day. I've lost my
motivation and it seems my direction as I wander listlessly through
my life.

The DHC today was to think before you reach for an empty calorie
junk food snack and consider if you're actually hungry or just eating to fill an emotional void. That struck home for me, too. I've
been eating poorly lately, I've stopped keeping my food diary because I'm ashamed to admit all of the junk that I'm putting into
my body. This isn't new for me. It's something that I have to continually work on. I am definitely a stress eater. That worry monster begs to be fed and I'm usually quick to oblige but I have begun to ask myself if I'm really hungry and if I am, is there a healthier choice to the chocolate kisses, brownies or cheese coated tortilla chips that I usually reach for automatically. At least, those are the limits these days. My junk food menu use to be far more extensive but the Celiacs disease has drastically limited my junk food choices. So many of the things, both good and bad, that I once ate on a regular basis are now off limits because they either contain gluten or the gluten free alternative doesn't even come close to tasting like real food much less satisfying my hunger whether it's physical or emotional.  Still, those King Arthur gluten free brownies are the absolute best packaged mix I've ever tried. I made some for desert a few nights ago and I did show some restraint in that I ate just one at a time instead of gobbling up the entire pan before they even cooled.

Today, in response to my posting about my struggles with emotional eating, a DHC friend named Carol D. offered the very good suggestion that I not just keep a food diary but an emotions diary which describes just what I'm feeling when I reach for something sugary or salty. I think that's an excellent idea. Just this morning, I was wondering why I've been feeling so: 

lack·a·dai·si·cal/ˌlakəˈdāzikəl/

Adjective:
Lacking enthusiasm and determination; carelessly lazy.
Synonyms:listless - apathetic - languid - apathetical 
Writing down exactly how I'm feeling especially when I'm blue might just be the key to solving this mystery and getting me back on track, making progress and accomplishing something every day which was my goal on January 1st of this year. Now, 2012 is half over and I still feel like I'm chipping away at a mountain trying to carve a cup to hold my life and joy. This morning, when I was wondering, where my enthusiasm has gone, I thought, "I'm scared." At first, I was wondering what exactly I'm scared of but I think I know, I think I'm scared of change. I desperately want change in my life. My ideal life would be me working on my art every day, riding my horses every day, working out and being slim and fit and energetic and living in a house that instead of being a piled up, falling apart mess, is finished, polished and guest ready so that I can entertain our friends again. I really want that life and I believe it is attainable. After all, it is a life I've lived before and all are realistic goals. So, why do I retreat every time I start moving forward toward those goals? Why am I so scared of change? I'm hoping that I can answer that question soon so that I can get on with my life and my dreams.


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