Sunday, September 30, 2012

Serenity and Acceptance

Everything we own seems to breaking and needing to be replaced at the moment...or if not replaced at least hefty and expensive repairs, the front porch (of course that one is a long story), the washer, the dryer, the frig, Steve's car, various farm equipment, the lawn mower, and now the well pump. I also thought that my modem or computer was getting ready to die but that turned out to be AT&T's problem which of course they'll never admit to. At the same time, we've had a lot of good things happen to us in the last few weeks. So, I'm beginning to feel a whole lot like Job weighing my blessings against my problems. Except I keep reminding myself that I am blessed and all we have are problems, not real troubles, so I should stop complaining for sure, just keep counting my blessings and try to stop worrying about how we're going to pay for all of this and what's going to break next, sheesh, ha.
I don't think I've ever read or heard this prayer in its entirety, just that first, famous verse. When I read the entire prayer, I thought of how much it speaks to me. I'm nearly 57 years old but I still have a problem discerning what I can control and what I can't. And worry seems my constant companion. I think that the problems of the last two months, the deadlines that we still haven't met, and all of the minor crisis have actually been good for me. I'm not talking about the twenty pounds I've sweated off with stress...although that was one of those added blessings,ha. No, I'm talking about the fact that I'm learning to control what I can, my own actions and energies and accept what I can't change, like Steve's direction, priorities, and the jobs he chooses to apply his effort and energies to when we may be looking for homeowner's insurance once again when the porch isn't finished next week. For several, frustrating weeks, I kept pointing out as gently as I could that the work had to be done by next week and Steve would reply, "Well, surely they will understand that I've not only had acres of hay that needed to be cut, baled and either transported or put in the barn and that I've had to work weekends and late at work for the last month. And now, I need to get the seed planted for next year. Surely, they will take all of that into consideration along with the fact that I'm obviously working on the porch and it will be finished." I kept telling him that we were talking about a big business not an individual and that big business does not have the ability to understand or reason, they only have rules to follow and deadlines to meet. He never seemed to understand and I kept losing sleep until I finally realized, I can do nothing about this. Sure, the porch will not be done on time and we will again be trying to find someone to offer us insurance coverage that we can afford but I can do nothing about that. I can do what I can do. I can clean and paint the house and furniture, straighten out my studio and workshop and prepare to start working again, I can create my art and hope it sells to make some money to pay for all of the expenses that have racked up over the last two months, all of the debt we already had and all of the added debt to come from the increase in our insurance premiums (they've already more than doubled and I'm dreading what the next quote will be when we have to find new coverage.) These are things I can do and can control. The stress and worry over the things I can't control are just wasted energy and that energy is needed elsewhere. So, I think that I will print this prayer out and post it where I see it and repeat it every morning and every night and then, maybe I can cope with and accept the things I can not change. 

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