Wednesday, August 14, 2013

God is in Charge

Great advice with today's "rule": Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time.  You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself.  You are competing to be the best you can be.  Aim to break your own personal records.

I'm not really certain what day we are on any more. I've had a very upsetting couple of weeks. I had no idea when I started this 30 days of change what monumental changes were going to take place in my life and how none of them would be within my control. My oldest sister who is battling cancer has decided that her life would be better without me. I could argue all day about how unfair I think this is and that the straw that broke the camel's back was something that was said by me and not only misinterpreted by her but never said with the intent of hurting her. In the end, it doesn't really matter what I actually said which was so different from what she heard, it doesn't matter that even what she thought she heard was said out of ignorance of certain facts and not intended to be hurtful or malicious or that I was trying my best to show her love and support. No, all that matters in the end is what she thinks I said and how it has affected her. And if that means that she is better off, more at peace, without me in her life, then so be it. I won't say that it doesn't hurt. I won't say that I don't still worry or love her. I won't say that I don't contemplate her true motives and get a wee bit angry because I'm coming to learn that there is nothing wrong with being legitimately angry; it's only human nature. But I have decided that she has people to support her and if my presence in her life was only causing upset, then it is better for me to step back like she's asked me to do. The good news is I've lost close to three pounds (talk about looking for a silver lining) and I had an epiphany this morning that is really the good news. I was walking back from the horses and thinking about what a good friend said to me yesterday when I was so very upset over being exiled from my family. He said, people come in and go out of your life but I truly believe that everyone in your life at this moment is there for a purpose and supposed to be part of your life. As I was walking across that field with the hot sun beating down on me, I started thinking about family and how no matter how much we love them, they are still relationships that are forced on us by the accident of birth. And often times, these are people we have little in common with except for shared dna. Familial relationships are so complicated and what we think disputes and conflicts are about are rarely the true causes. Often the root of our problems are buried under years of resentment and bitterness, real and imagined slights and faults. I realized a few months ago that I've been trying to turn my sister into who I want and need her to be.  I was also constantly seeking her approval. I know now that I was never going to get either and I think perhaps it was actually me trying so hard to gain her acceptance that actually drove the wedge between us. The epiphany came when I was thinking about what my friend had said about the people in my life right now being the ones who should be in my life. I've been blessed over the past few years with so many wonderful people coming into my life and I realized, this morning, that these are all people that I not only love and admire but aspire to be more like. I feel like each of them is a gift from God and each has added so much to my life. I don't have to struggle with them, I don't have to grovel for acceptance, pretend to be someone I'm not, or even overlook characteristics I don't like or turn the other cheek when struck. Both loving and liking them is easy and they give back as much emotionally as they take. They even seem to sense when something is wrong with me even though miles might separate us. They genuinely care about me and I care about them. They are my family now. I don't believe that people come into our lives by accident. Most have lessons to teach us and God has blessed me with so many good friends who bring only good lessons into my life. I'm so very grateful for each and every one of them. I always think when these epiphanies come, that it is God talking to me because no matter how upset or worried I am, how heartsick or hurt or full of fear, when I hear that voice, it quiets my mind and takes the pain from my heart. That's what I felt this morning and I know that God is in charge. 

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