Thursday, August 15, 2013

Lots of New Beginnings and a New DAY TWO!

I have to be honest. I joined a walking track on DHC a few weeks ago because I thought it was the motivation I needed to finally get out there and start walking again. Well, it has worked but it has taken a while, lol. At the same time I joined the track, my life turned upside down. A family member who is going through a horrible illness is angry at me. Of course, I realize that she is really angry at the disease but I was the target of all of her fears and rage. And you know what? That is okay. She asked me to get out of her life and I have but it hasn't been easy. I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions. I've been deeply concerned about her, I've been angry at her, I've felt hurt not just by the rejection but by what seems like the unjustified reasons for it, I've felt guilty for hurting her in any way even though it was unintentional, and I've grieved. I've grieved our relationship and I've grieved my sister because I know this disease might take her life before she ever forgives me or wants me back in her life. My heart has ached and I've done nothing but cry and basically sit around and try to make it through the day. I've tried to do a few of the walking challenges I've been given but couldn't make it through many of them. I filed them away to do later because I knew that this would pass and I would survive even if I didn't feel like I would at the time. When I started the walking track, I also started this 30 day of change challenge to myself. Of course, I got way more change than I'd expected. But even though those changes seem absolutely horrible and they were, there were still good changes that came out of the last few tumultuous weeks, too. Yesterday, I decided that, at least where the walking and other healthy changes I wanted to make are concerned, I can hit rewind and I did. Yesterday, I walked twice, a mile the first time and nearly three the second. You know what? I felt so much better after my walks not only physically but emotionally. The exercise seemed to bring me clarity and I was able to look at my situation with my relative from different directions. I still hurt but it isn't as excruciating a pain as I had before; the weight on my heart is lessened. I'm no longer angry or offended. I no longer feel alone and orphaned because I realized that I have good friends behind me, supporting me, understanding me, loving me. I still worry about my sister, I still grieve our closeness, I still love her and pray for her but I realize that this isn't about me. It's about her and if my being out of her life makes her life easier, I'm willing to do as asked and back off. Walking did that...and a whole lot of prayer and the support of friends....but still, walking really helped me to find that peace of mind and heart. I think I'm ready to literally get back on track. Yesterday, I also ate healthy and flossed my teeth twice. See, two more habits added already.

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