Friday, August 16, 2013

Whoa...Number 17 on the list of rules really hit home.... Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope.  Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times.  And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right.  Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.

My friend Jane is right, I'm grieving. I'm grieving the relationship with my sister and I'm so afraid that I'll never speak to her again. My husband told me last night that it was most likely that I will never have a relationship with her again. I know he's right but it's not so easy to hear. I realized yesterday that I have been going through the stages of grief. At first there was denial, how can this be happening. Then there was bargaining, if I'd just kept my mouth shut. Then there was a whole lot of anger, I was angry at her, I was angry at me, I was angry at this disease that not only is taking her from me but has driven a wedge between us. Now, I've entered the depression stage and I know from past experience that this sucker holds on like a hungry tick. I keep saying that, come on final stage, come on acceptance but I know I'm not ready for that yet and sadly, I know it might be a while. 

So, I look for those silver linings. I see the good that has come from this, my other two sisters are closer than they've ever been in their lives, for one thing. I've realized what good friends I have and that I'm not as alone as I once thought. I've learned to keep my mouth shut occasionally and put some thought into my words and actions and that ain't bad for a 57 year old. I'm trying to concentrate on the work I need to do and the friends I have, my wonderful husband and those sweet horses and my pup. A big silver lining last night although I admit worry wart me thought something might be wrong with Mouse. She was acting oddly, so affectionate...which is not the diva's way, lol. But I finally realized that she was feeling my pain. She's been able to actually pinpoint my physical pain in the past, nuzzling me on worrisome body parts. This time she just kept wrapping her head around me, holding me close, and letting me know that someone loves me. That makes my breaking heart sing. 

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