Sunday, September 22, 2013

A big AMEN on this rule from 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself: Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

I amazed myself this morning when I had another epiphany. Strong word, I realize that but I find no other that fits the revelations I've been having lately about myself, my family, my history, my life. There is a verse in the Bible, 13th Corinthians: ....When I was a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly but then face to face.

I always wondered what that last sentence meant. Now, I think I finally do understand. Now, I'm a grown up and even though I'm not liking everything I've realized, I am finally seeing life more clearly. I look back and I see the situations, the actions and influences of those around me who have shaped the person I became. I think we are all born with certain personalities and tendencies but I also believe that the life we live, especially during those formative years, can at least bend that person we were born to be into other directions, other forms. It truly is like working with a ball of clay. The clay has certain characteristics when it begins but as we manipulate it, stretch it, roll it, mold it, turn it on a wheel, we shape it into what we want it to be and change it from what it was. I recently realized that I've been living in the past but not a past that actually ever existed but rather the one I had created in my mind. Lately, I've been looking back through that dark glass and the things that were hidden, the things that were disguised by me have been revealed. I'm finally facing the truth of me, of my family, of my siblings. I've come quickly to understanding of who I am and they really are. At first there was a lot of judgement on my part but I've put that aside now. I've accepted them and their reality and truth, just as I've finally accepted myself. I may not agree with them but I accept that they are who they are and I'm never going to change that. This has been a very painful year for me for many reasons. There has been great loss, amazing revelations and understanding gained, there has been conflict, pain, anger and hurt but like all births, I should expect this one to be all of those things. I am not happy for the journey as hard as it was, would certainly not want to relive it but I am much better for having endured. I've come out the other side, wiser and seeing more clearly if darkly. The best part is, I'm ready to move forward for the first time in a long time. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and the next day and the next. I'm still struggling with leaving the past behind especially the recent past but I realize that if I want to sail, I have to cut the tethers that have anchored me in the past. You can't move forward while you're looking back. Take what you can from the past, the lessons learned, the wisdom  and confidence gained and forget the rest. If it doesn't benefit you, it's too heavy to carry on your journey. Take with you only what is necessary and move on.

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