Wednesday, September 4, 2013

cutting the anchors........

If you've been reading this whine fest that I call a blog/journal lately, you know that I've been facing rejection from my family....the one I was born with anyway. It's been an extremely painful experience and I've gone through a lot of anxiety fueled by a tangle of other emotions from anger to guilt because the person who started this is dying but I can't help feeling angry because not only is her anger at me unjustified but the story that she's telling the rest of my family is not based on fact either. This left me with an extreme sadness and heartache that never seemed to go away. I went asleep with it and I woke up with it until the day I finally accepted there was nothing I could do about it. I've felt at peace for almost a week and I was amazed at how quickly it came about. I didn't know if the anxiety vanishing was to do with prayers from my Christian friends, blessings from my Buddhist friend, or my own soul searching and revelations about just how my family works and the acceptance of that....or all of the above but I welcomed the relief. Then this morning something else happened to upset the apple cart and pointed out to me just how complete my familial exile actually is. I find out that one of my other nieces is also not speaking to me and she is planning a visit here, to the town I live in but I evidently am not only not going to be included but wouldn't have even been informed she was here if I hadn't found out by accident. I can understand my sister's own daughters but I have to wonder exactly what she has told them all to make the rest of the family reject me. I have to admit, it cut to the quick and even more so because I've listened to my sister talk and complain about all of them over the years. I'd listen to her, try to console her for whatever wrong they'd supposedly done to her but it never changed my own opinion of them or caused me to banish them from my life. I always realized that my sister was very much like my father and had inherited his manipulative ways and what I call the "it's all about me" syndrome. So, I have to admit, what hurts the most is not the rejection but realizing that they aren't taking whatever she's saying with the same grain of salt; that they aren't giving me the benefit of a doubt. But God does work in mysterious ways because I came across this article this morning and it describes my family dynamics to a T. It also goes on to describe me to a T because it talks about someone like me who kept striving for years to turn them into the family wanted instead of accepting that as impossible. And it is like my friends and husband, Steve, have been telling me, I've just got to cut those tethers and walk away.

The snippet from the article: "Some family conflict is perpetual. It has no resolution, because it is based on lasting differences in personalities and needs. The differences are in place between mom and dad long before the kids are born and things just snowball over time.

In these 'un-family units' with impossible issues, time spent together is like hanging out in emotional hell. If you come from such a family, the best thing to do is have little contact with them and invest yourself heavily in creating a very different kind of family that is capable of being close to you and to whom you are willing to be close."

You can read the entire article here:"

I'm not saying that this is easy and I still worry about my sister who is very ill but I can't do anything about that either. I have to accept that not having me in her life is her choice. As for the others, I have to realize that if my love was not enough, my words won't be either. I could defend myself to them, I could apologize to her for something I didn't do or say but in the end, the underlying resentment would still be there and any time spent with any of them would have that heavy cloud hanging over it. So what good would that do them or me? No, I think it is time I take the advice of this article, Steve and the family I've made and move on.

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