Saturday, October 31, 2015

Day One Again

There is no rule that says you can't rewind and restart anytime you want. I've gone through a few difficult months and my how ever many day plan has died a painful death. But I'm ready to resurrect my goals and set a restart for tomorrow, November first.

I've been talking to my health and wellness coach Lee. I told him that I was ashamed to say again, "I've made no progress." He told me that he thought I'd made a lot of progress. He said that I'd just been figuring out what doesn't work. That's so true and I think I've also figured out why certain plans don't work.

He's been talking to me about priorities. I thought I had that all worked out but I didn't. I never seemed to have time for the things I loved, for my horses, walks with my husband and our dog, working on my art, exercise. And despite putting all of the good things in my life on the back burner, I wasn't making any progress with the things I hate. Why was this happening? It happened because I kept saying, "I'll go spend time with the horses...or walking, exercising, cooking, working on art....after I finish this task I don't want to do." But instead of working toward that reward, I would hide in my room, in front of the TV or the computer and I'd avoid getting that work done. So, decision time.....from now on, the rewards come first. I'm finding, if I do what I love, it's a lot easier to do what I hate. Who knows, by November 1st, 2016, my house, my life, and my body might all be in better shape and I might just be happier, too!

Pamie

My friend Pamie was the sweetest most giving soul. She was also a card sender. She sent cards for all events and occasions or just because. She rarely would send just one card but several would arrive within days of whatever we were celebrating. She always found the funniest, clever cards and they always made me smile and made me feel so loved. The pain of her passing is still so fresh and raw. It's painful and it's with me constantly but because I didn't get to mourn her with a ceremony of any kind, I also have a sense it's not real. I catch my self thinking about seeing her or telling her something funny or discussing some TV show we both loved and then, it dawns on me that I can't. That doesn't keep me from talking to her just like I still talk to my mama, Candis and Huston. I mainly tell them how much I miss them and how much I need them. Pamie has been especially on my mind lately and that might be because my birthday is drawing near, my big 60. It would have been so nice to have had her here to celebrate with me. I had just been thinking that I wouldn't get that card this year. I've lost lots of friends that I loved but there was something really special about each of those four people. It wasn't just that I considered them my best friends, even my mama, but also because each of them brought something unique to my life that no one else did. Maybe it was understanding because all of them "got me" or at least a certain part of me. Pamie's specialness was hard to explain. She was just this joyous person. She had so much sorrow in her life but she always had a way of making me feel so happy whenever I was around her. Those cards she sent reflected that joy she gave me. Today, I was, once again, attacking this monumental task of organization and I came across a box of memorabilia. It was a very random collection. There were ticket stubs from concerts, an article written about Bonnie Raitt from a local paper, guitar tokens thrown by B.B. King and a signed Tshirt from Chris Isaak. There was a mask from New Orleans and my mom's old purse. Amid that mish mash of ornaments and totems, there were two cards. I started to just pack them away with the rest but something made me open them. I was surprised to find they were from Pamie and they were sent on the event of my fiftieth birthday. You may think that is just coincidence but I don't. I think it was my friend sending her love to me again, her joy and her wishes for a happy birthday. I miss you Pamie and I love you. I worried that, because I didn't get to tell you good bye, you might not know that.......but I think you do.