Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Buried Alive

This journey I'm on, to be the best me I can be no matter my age, isn't just about weight loss or fitness. I realized a long time ago that my major roadblock on the path less taken is organization. I've told this story before. We started some, then, minor remodeling and repairs on our house over ten years ago. Anticipating a fast turn around, I went ahead and bought not only supplies like paint and hardware but also furniture, accessories, etc.... The fast turn around did not happen. We had just gotten seventy's paneling pulled down and old carpet pulled up when my father in law became very ill. The next year, until his passing, my husband was with him whenever he wasn't at work. The work we'd started on the house was forgotten and in a year's time, all the stuff I'd bought seemed to pile up as I continued to "tear" rooms up. We still haven't finished and our house sadly but honestly, looks a bit like a more organized version of Hoarders. I tried to stay ahead of it at first but eventually, it all caught up with me. To say it is overwhelming now is an understatement to the 'nth degree. I feel like I'm buried under a mountain of stuff. I can't even find a starting place to continue fixing up and getting our house back in order. It no longer feels like a home but rather, just a place we eat and sleep. And, to add insult to injury, over the past ten years, our thirty-seven year old house has been showing its age. Things have gone wrong, like a leaky roof that had to be redone and plumbing that broke and even a foundation that began to fall. Then there are the other mini disasters such as the trees falling on the house. We've been working on repairs for the last five years at least and they are still not near completion. The thing is, this is a big part of my battle with depression. I worry about where to even start digging myself out of this mess and the worry leads to depression which zaps my energy and my concentration and I get nothing done. Getting nothing done makes me feel like a failure and just seems to add on more rock to this mountain that's threatening to smother me. It's just a never ending cycle. I've tried various courses of attack: I made lists (that rarely get started much less completed), I cut myself off from all rewards and things that brought me joy until the tasks were completed thinking this would motivate me (it didn't), I broke the tasks into more doable bites such as a room a day (I found that most rooms will take at least a week if not a month to even clean out much less complete) and finally, I just hid away in the one half-way neat and completed room, the bedroom, and I ate and watched TV all day because I didn't want to face another day of feeling like a failure. Food and TV are my drugs of choice. that I probably have you as depressed as I am just reading this, lol........ I've been thinking about something Lee, my health coach, said, "These tries aren't failures. You are just figuring out what doesn't work." I tried to think of what would work, what was left to try and I thought, maybe I should look back and figure out why those past attempts didn't work. After much thought, I came to this conclusion: I have to include pleasure and joy in my life EVERY DAY. I think those two things are as essential to our well being as food, water and sleep. I can't continue to live my pleasure second hand by watching imaginary lives on TV. Secondly, I have to begin setting those priorities that Lee has talked about. I need to not only fit in joy every day but also exercise. And thirdly, I haven't been seeing the tree for the forest....I do realize that is backwards but there is a reason. I've been looking at this momentous task as one big whole and just thinking about it now makes it hard for me to breath. I need to see not just the whole but each tree, even each sapling. I need to try to accomplish one small thing a day and consider that a victory. It may take a while but doing that will gradually chip away at this mountain that buries me and it's a lot easier to dig yourself out of sand than it is stone.

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