Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Endings and Beginnings

I'm sorry for the long silence. It's been nearly a week since my last post when I was eager and ready to get back to the 30 day challenge. Since that last dose of prednisone, I've been feeling lousy. I don't know if it's the let down from all of that energy the prednisone produced or if I have a sinus infection but I've just felt off. I'm light headed and achy and just feeling run down and tired. So, I haven't re-started my challenge yet. I do plan to get back to it soon and each day, I've felt a bit better.
I have to change my motivation from size to health. I know, I know....I said that health and energy were my motivators and size and appearance were last on my list. I don't think it was intentional, i think I really believed that but I lied. I've felt depressed and discouraged all weekend. It didn't help that I lost another good friend, someone who was truly like a brother to me and best friend. This makes three friends lost in the last three weeks. Three people near my age who had a significant influence on my life. That makes four good friends this year and my sister in January. In the past three years, I've lost my two best girl friends, women who were more like sisters and so important to me, the man who was like a father to me and really, sadly, more of a father and advisor than my own father ever was and so many other friends all close to my age. When people tell me, this is to be expected as we age, IT DOES NOT HELP!
I started this page as a motivator for me and others to stay healthy and active as we age so we can enjoy our lives but when I'm faced with the realities of aging and the truth that I am no longer young, it is so, so hard to accept. Accepting that I may not be able to achieve the level of fitness that I dream of reaching and that, up until this past weekend, I truly expected to achieve, that is disheartening.
My husband had oral surgery last Friday and he is impossible to keep down. He told me that he would be just as rested driving around as he would lying in the bed all weekend. I doubted him but evidently he was right because he seems to be healing quickly from extensive surgery. So, we drove around and we went to the mountains where we planned a hiking trip for my birthday coming up in November. That should have made me happy and given me motivation but it is summertime and all the young kids were in the mountains swimming and kayaking. I looked at those young hard bodies and realized that, just like me at that age, they didn't have to work at looking that way. I thought of that quote that youth is wasted on the young. I wondered how I'd gotten so old without realizing it (this after catching site of myself in a full length mirror in a public bathroom...with that "wonderful" lighting that shows every flaw, ugh!). And, ashamed as I am to admit it, I resented those kids their youth.
So, this page is suppose to be motivational and what I've written is anything but...BUT I think we all feel this way from time to time. I need to consider that I haven't felt well this weekend, I'm just coming off nearly two weeks of illness and being sedentary and I need to give myself a big ol' kick in my big ol' behind and get back out there. It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself and maybe I'll actually start feeling better. I still think fitness is important and I still intend to restart this challenge...from day 1. I will promise not to expect as much from myself at first. The first week, I plan to just get out there every day and that's a promise. I might not be doing 30 minutes at first and I might not be pushing my pace past what I can comfortably do. I think the important thing is just to start. I also hope to start keeping a food diary again. Which means that I'll start feeling ashamed of all of the ice cream sandwiches and breakfast muffins and start planning healthier snacks and meals. That will be a good thing. I don't like how I look now. I don't like how I feel. But I am never going to look better or feel better if I don't take action to change my habits. I talk to Lee again today. He told me two weeks ago that I needed to up my game to challenge myself and stay motivated. I agree but I think there are other gentler ways to measure my progress than my speed, time or distance or even the pounds on the scale (which went up significantly with the prednisone fueled hunger). I think I will measure my progress by how I'm feeling, how often I make an effort to get in more movement through out the day, getting out there at least once a day and moving, adding things like weights and intrevals and fun things like dancing by myself for 10 minutes or playing with the horses or taking the dog for a brisk walk. If this is mainly about my health, I need to consider balance in my life because that is as important to my health as diet and exercise....and, if my life is balanced, I'll have more time and more energy for aerobic activities.
So, I hope I'm ending all of this woe is me post on a very positive note. My life isn't over. I do have tremendous potential to improve my fitness, my health, my appearance, my life and lifestyle. And I'm not going to give up because of a set back. Tomorrow morning, I promise I will be back out there and I will let you know how I do. I may not make 30 minutes on the first day but I pledge that I'll do a little bit more on the second day and the third and every day down the road I will be a little better in some way than I was the day before...even if it is just an improvement in attitude.

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