I just realized something....another one of those epiphanies.....I am becoming who I always wanted to be and who I always knew I had the capability of becoming....I am becoming ME. That is a great accomplishment because most of us, and sometimes I think especially me, live our lives trying to please others and trying to be the person we want others to see. That is seldom the truth. As I was writing out my little "essay" of the day, lol....I know I tend to write novellas every day...., I wrote something down just as I was becoming aware of it: other people's opinions of us are tempered by their own insecurities and biases. They are rarely the truth....at least those opinions we often use to judge ourselves because those are usually the negative opinions not the positive ones. At least, that has been my experience. I've been far more influenced by negative opinions than the positive ones and I repeat, negative opinions are rarely the truth. So, even though I still have a long journey ahead of me in my quest for my own truth, I am happier for letting go of the past and those negative people and opinions and I am finally free to move forward in that quest. Another epiphany from this morning, I've been looking backwards and trying to regain the person I was twenty-five years ago. I see the ideal of that time and myself but I'm now aware that I can be better because now, I can be honest with myself about who I really am....and you know what? I think I'm pretty great and I have endless potential. That isn't vanity talking or pride; it's honesty because I think we all have that potential. If we free ourselves to be ourselves, we can't be stopped!
I got a later start than I had wanted to this morning but I discovered something wonderful when I did drift out the door, the air is cooler. It was actually refreshing. I didn't even work up a sweat walking the two thirds of a mile it takes to feed the horses and I wasn't taking my time even though it would have been the perfect morning to do so.
I think that this is a sign that I need to finally get serious about this challenge again. Even though I have been walking every day, I've not really been pushing myself so most of my walks seem more like a fast stroll than a workout. It hasn't helped that every device that I used to measure my pace and progress is now either broken or down. There is a bright light at the end of that technology tunnel, our new iPhone 7s are arriving today. Yay! It's almost perfect timing because my old phone died several days ago; I can't even get a whimper out of it. I have to have a working phone to reset my ouMax which also drained itself down to zip yesterday....I'm beginning to think my charging hub might be the problem because it seems to often suck the energy out instead of putting it in. Anyway.... :), I feel like I really haven't gotten a good start with this latest challenge of mine. The purpose was to motivate me and to make me accountable to someone....that's all of you...but I have been so sluggish on most days that I have been ashamed to post about my measly efforts.
Sooooo, since today is halfway through the 30 days of September. Why don't I start today and end on October 15th? I'm really hoping that I have more success with consistency this time.
I've been working a lot of things out lately. I've had questions about my own behavior. I really want five changes in my life right now: to get fit and lose weight, to finish my studio, clean out my neglected workshop and get back to work, to at least make a start at fixing up our house's problems, to start riding and spending more time with my horses again (before one of us dies) and to spend more time making memories and having fun with family and friends (before one of us dies.) I sincerely want these things in my life and I have been trying to achieve them or at least making plans, setting goals and setting a course..........but I keep losing myself in distractions. That's what I call those bad habits that I fall into whenever the pressure is put on me to do something. Bad habits like marathon TV watching, eating too much comfort food, spending too much time in front of this computer screen. I've been trying to figure out just what I'm avoiding and I've been trying to think of a good behavior to replace the bad (that's what the experts say you have to do to change a habit, replace it with something that fills the same need or purpose.) I have discovered some things about myself and realized the root of many of my self sabotaging actions but I seem no closer to a solution....Except!!...I think realizing you have a problem is the key to overcoming it. I'm hoping that I've changed my mindset enough to stick with this next 30 days. If I do, that will be one habit created and hopefully another changed. The exercise will hopefully replace those distracting habits that comforted me by allowing me to avoid what I need to be doing and hopefully, it will also motivate me to tackle some of those other dreams.