Thursday, September 15, 2016

September 15.....

I saw Tamela, my counselor, yesterday. I talked and I talked.....and I talked. I'm trying to figure out several things in my life, my lack of motivation, why I'm dragging my feet about getting both my studio finished and the exercise going when I know I really want both and why I keep using distractions to delay me. I don't think there is a single answer. Some of my behavior, I realize, goes back to childhood. I ordered a workbook on Tamela's suggestion. It's about making peace with your past. I'll think I have and then some interaction with my family or some odd behavior of my own or reaction to someone else's behavior comes up and I realize that the turmoil and war in my soul are raging just as strongly as ever. I know that so much of my low self esteem and lack of self confidence comes from those days. I know the fact I avoid confrontation is a direct result of childhood experience and conditioning. I'd say that my parents did the best they knew how but I know, my dad for one, did a lot of extremely hurtful things during the years when my personality was forming. It's complicated and it's long from over with. Who knows if it ever will be. I've always said that realizing you have a problem is the first step in solving it. I've also always said that I'm a work in progress and I still am...even at sixty, I still am.

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