Friday, October 7, 2016

I've been struggling for a long time trying to get out of my rut. There are actually several ruts and they are filled with mud and yuck and I feel like I'm straddling them and holding myself up just by the tips of my fingers and toes.

The ruts I'm trying to jump over:

 1) The mess our House is in. We decided to remodel over sixteen years ago. We tore down dated, dark paneling, we tore up worn carpet, we discovered water damage and had to repair the roof, I ordered new appliances and of them, the oven is still sitting boxed up in our garage and both fridge and dishwasher died long ago and haven't been replaced, Steve started tearing up the vinyl in the kitchen only to discover that it was very well glued down and also contained asbestos so we are left with a torn and patchy kitchen floor. Since that poor start, things seem to have gone from bad to worse. Steve's dad got very sick and ended up spending his last year in a nursing home. Steve was by his side constantly. The work we'd planned got put on hold and slowly but very surely, the house became piled up with boxes and draped furniture that became a cluttered mess over time. Other problems arose, some minor and some major. The minor include leaks under the kitchen and bath sink and in the shower that have turned into streams instead of drips. The major, first our porch fell in and I let the ivy cover it in hopes no one would try to walk on it. Because of that, we lost our home owners insurance and what we managed to get to replace it was three times more expensive! In the mean time, we did get rid of the ivy, painted the house trim and prepared the porch for pouring but we've never had the money to actually get it poured...and the ivy is coming back. We've also had three trees hit our house. One put a hole in the roof and the other actually knocked off one corner of our garage. Again, Steve has done nothing to fix this except throw a tarp on the roof that keeps blowing off. True, we don't have the money yet to pay for a new roof but any money Steve gets that's extra goes to the farm. sigh..... I love him but that is simply a truth of being married to someone with farming in their blood. But those major repairs are what brings me full circle to me getting back to work.

2) I want to get back to work with the wood sculpture and my other art. I want to do this for several reasons such as how it makes me feel to create and how it simply expands my heart and soul. But I also want to make some money to pay for these things around the house that need fixin'. Here is the order to get back into my studio and workshop, I have to clean up the mess in the house first. It's like dominos, there is an order and one thing is dependent on the other. So, it isn't just a matter of cleaning the room that will be my studio or the basement; I have to clean all of the house to get to those rooms because there is stuff scattered all over the house, packed away in boxes, that are essential to those rooms and there is stuff in those rooms that is essential to the others. So, I guess my best plan would be to change how I'm looking at this...instead of feeling overwhelmed by the mess, I could see this as a blessing since I will be killing two crows with one stone. Once my studio and workshop are finished and ready for me to get to work, the rest of our house will be ready to start all of the repairs, painting and building to get them back to working shape.

3) We have no social life. I do occasionally get together with my girlfriends for lunch but those could probably be easily counted on one hand for this year...and I still wouldn't use all of my fingers. I haven't allowed anyone to come to my house for years because of the shape it's in. It is embarrassing not just because of the mess and damage but because I've allowed it to get this way and I'm not taking any steps to change it.

4) Finally, my weight and fitness. I don't even know where to begin here. Is it the depression that keeps me sedentary or the sedentary lifestyle that makes me depressed? That's the question and I can't think of anything else to say. The main question I ask myself is why can't I stick with anything? I keep trying over and over to make exercise a habit and to keep track of what I eat but I keep stopping.

So, that is where I stand and writing it all down does make it easier to comprehend. I'm using a daily planner based on the theory that "you are what you think." Today, I hope to get the living room...or at least a corner of it...cleaned out. Today, I will think of myself as a doer. Maybe I will think of myself as someone I hired for this job. My pay may come down the line after I get back in my studio or my pay may just be the satisfaction at the end of the day knowing that I'm one step closer to my way across these ruts. I'll let you know how it goes but today....keep telling myself...I am a capable doer who gets things done!!!

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